


Bitter Agape

by kagehiro



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Detail Heavy, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Rejection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:54:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29545455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kagehiro/pseuds/kagehiro
Summary: After confessing to the stoic Tsukishima Kei at your high school graduation ceremony and getting mortifyingly rejected, you vowed to never fall in love again.It isn’t until a couple years later where you’re forced to face the man who broke your heart as he saunters his way back into your life.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Reader
Comments: 14
Kudos: 36





	1. 2 Year Suppression

**Author's Note:**

> This story will definitely revolve around toxic emotions and relationships. Pretty heavy angst. I promise it will get better as chapters go on.
> 
> Also, for those who might question the title, it'll be revealed down the story line. The 8 different types of love play a huge part in this story.

The loud buzzing of cicadas forced your attention back to your phone, staring at the location texted to you months ago. Small beads of perspiration started to form on your bare neck and back, the Miyagi summer humidity ruthlessly smothering you. It’s been almost two years since you’ve seen anyone from Karasuno, almost all ties being cut by your hand. You felt bad about it, it was never your intention to do so. But that aching memory in your mind branded so deep within you held back from contacting them, and only a couple people who knew the circumstance understood. One of those being Kiyoko, your beloved senior.

The building lined up with the address, confirming this was the place you were to be. Months ago, Kiyoko and Yachi had the amazing idea of a reunion only for the volleyball team. Mostly everyone was on board, and accommodated for the month before college commenced. Those who worked took a couple days off, and those who were in school still were okay to do as they pleased with no responsibilities resting on their shoulders. Thankfully, you were the latter. The only two who voiced that couldn’t make it were Kageyama and Hinata.

The homely restaurant for the reunion was made of dark black oak, the noren in front of the sliding entrance large and beige with its name printed with black traditional lettering. It was quite modern, but had somewhat of an orthodox feel. The fresh smell of yakitori cooking inside soothed your ever buzzing nerves. Your hands reached down into the flap of your purse, sliding your phone inside for safekeeping before letting out a harsh huff. If not now, you’ll forever procrastinate outside and talk yourself out of this reunion.

Your quiet entry didn’t seem to gauge anyone’s attention, chefs continuing on cooking as some of the waitresses were taking orders from other people. The cool air within the place caused an involuntary shiver to slip from your body, as you whispered a soft praise for the air conditioning. It felt heavenly against your slightly glistening skin, most of it exposed. You used to never dress so openly, but as you grew older you gained a new taste for fashion, especially after getting accepted into Waseda University. The long, cotton sundress fit snug against your body, much like a second skin now since you were hot from the humidity outside. Nevertheless it looked good on you, its mellow and pale green complimenting your skin and hair. The thin straps threatened to spill over your shoulders, which you quickly adjusted. You didn’t need any staring. Fanning yourself gently with your hand as the thin gold bracelets around your wrist gently clink together, your eyes scanned the rest of the inside of the restaurant, landing on a table that held so many familiar faces.

Before you could even make yourself known you saw a pair of eyes from the table meet yours, widening in surprise. “Y/n?!” Nishinoya’s voice alerted the rest of the table, everyone else now turning to face you in the entryway. You smiled sheepishly, their faces all contorted into all sorts of surprise. Kiyoko wasn’t the least bit surprised, neither was Yachi. The raven-haired woman patted the soft cushion next to her, a gentle smile spreading across her lips. “I saved you a seat.”

“Ah, so that’s why you kicked Tanaka off the cushion. You should’ve told us y/n was going to be joining us, Kiyoko!” Sugawara chimed in, sitting across from the girls as you shuffled over and sat on the backs of your calves, being careful of your dress.

“Oi, what’s with the new look, y/n? It’s like I’m looking at someone completely different. You are y/n, aren’t ya?” Tanaka piped in, leaning over the table a little to examine you further.

You couldn’t help but let out a giggle, giving a small nod to the still buzzed-cut man. “Yes, Tanaka-senpai, it’s me. And after attending Waseda U, I changed my style a bit. Being too plain in the city gets you weird looks. They constantly called me a bumpkin.” You explained, the man scrunching up his face. It’s obvious he doesn’t get it, you could tell. After all, his style really hasn’t changed one bit. But it was cute, admirable really. He didn’t have to change himself. While you did. You had to change everything after you left Miyagi.

“Don’t be rude, Tanaka. It’s been two years since y/n was here with us anyway. Things change.” Kiyoko backed you up. Her small, thin hand placed itself on your warm bare skin, giving it a soft squeeze. It was comforting, forcing a smile on to your face.

“That’s true, you look amazing though, y/n! But, you really had us worried. No texts. No calls. Nothing. You dropped off the face of the planet for the longest time, and the only person to communicate your well being to us was Kiyoko. What happened?” Daichi finally intervened, his eyes filled with curiosity and a tinge of worry. Your hands scrunched at the fabric on your lap. This was the question you didn’t want to answer. It was too mortifying, too embarrassing. Even after all these years, despite you thinking you had everything under control, you didn’t. The day of your graduation is what happened, you wanted to tell them, but you just couldn’t.

You went to open your mouth, an excuse ready before you heard a couple more people walk in. Their presence was immediately made clear by the waitresses and workers, greeting them kindly unlike how they didn’t even realize you slip in. A pair of bodies came forth towards the table, and you could feel your heart almost crawl out of your throat. Your face visibly pales, which is noticed by Kiyoko and Yachi. They both hold a hand of yours in theirs, giving it a squeeze of reassurance.

“Oh? You’re here? I didn’t think you had it in you to show your face to everyone, including me.” A condescending tone spat your way. You didn’t even have to look up to know who it was.

Tsukishima Kei.

Your first love.

Your first heartbreak.

And the only person you’ve loved.

The two year suppression of emotion within you felt like it was about to bubble over, its shell about to crack. No, you couldn’t. You can’t. Not yet. Not now.

“I’m very much a part of the Karasuno team as you are, Tsukishima.” You muttered back, but it came out as more of a weak whisper. The rest of the men at the table looked confused.

“Wait, no Tsukki? No cute nickname? Wow, a lot really has changed over these couple of years.” Ennoshita looked back from you to the tall blond man, the latter’s eyes boring holes into your body. A green haired man behind him waves, the rest of the group giving him a silent greeting as he takes his spot next to Yachi. Yamaguchi gave you a sympathetic expression, and you gave one back. Other than Kikyo and Yachi, he was the only one on the team who knew of what happened on graduation day. The day you confessed.

Tsukishima snorted at the comment, finding a place to sit before plopping down as comfortably as he could. Though his long legs didn’t do him much justice. “Huh, why would she call me that?” You swallowed thickly, reaching for your already poured sake with shaky hands. “Don’t tell me this is why you’ve been giving everyone the silent treatment for 2 years, y/n. What are you, a kid? One rejection and you decided to completely crumble.”

“Tsukki, stop…” His green haired friend said in an almost pleading tone, eyebrows furrowed in disappointment and looked pained on your behalf. The taller male rolled his eyes, annoyance taking over as he clicked his tongue and ignored him.

Kiyoko was the first to quickly change the subject, knowing the men wanted to ask what that was all about. She wouldn’t give them a chance. This wasn’t the time nor place for such a confession. Especially one so tender to your heart. “Y/n, I heard you’ll be transferring out of Waseda University soon? Why? It’s such a good school, and I heard you were doing great.”

“Ah, a famous American author is going to be teaching classes at Sendai University, and due to my transcripts the school accepted my transfer almost immediately. Learning from such a talented writer is a dream, it’ll definitely boost my resume.” You added, your nerves finally starting to dwindle, but you refused to look towards Tsukishima.

“Wait, Sendai University? That’s where–”

Yamaguchi was cut off by a scoff from Tsukishima, surprising the rest of the table. “So you’re a stalker now too?” Baffled by his words you finally looked up, the look of shock written all over your face.

For once you looked at him, the Tsukishima Kei you haven’t seen in years. He was still very lengthy in height, but was now more broad than he was in his teenage years. He’s definitely filled out. His hair was a bit longer now, hanging a tad over his brows but still looked neat, and his glasses were still black rimmed but in a different style. All remaining fat on his cheeks were now gone, his face sculpted cleanly as if the gods chiseled him with their bare hands.

“Tsukishima Kei, what the hell has gotten into you? You’ve barely been here 10 minutes and your bitter attitude is already causing issues.” Daichi finally snapped out through gritting teeth, eyes narrowing to the male at the end of the table.

“Nothing, this is all just very funny to me.” He leaned back a little, his arms crossing over his chest. You bit your bottom lip hard, tasting iron on your tongue. Tsukishima was intentionally pouring salt on a reopening wound, and silently laughing at your pain like a sadist.

“Stop it, Tsukki. You’re being too harsh.” Yamaguchi tried to defend you, but Yachi placed a hand on his and shook her head. There wasn’t much left to do before one finally loses their cool.

“Funny? Can’t you see how uncomfortable you’re making y/n?” Nishinoya frowned, seeing how his words aren’t penetrating the male at all. Asahi nodded in agreement, his expression soft looking at you then hardening when facing the blond male.

You took a shaky breath in, exhaling before gathering up whatever scraps of courage you had left in your body. Pride be damned, right? “Tsukishima, it’s enough. You rejected me that day, and I got it. You don’t have to continue to use your words to hurt me. Your message was loud and clear that day. What’s past is in the past.”

“Obviously not, you ran away. You look different. Even talk differently. From what I heard, you didn’t even reach out to anyone on the team. What right do you have to even be here? And all this because I told you I didn’t love you.” Tsukishima hissed, the table becoming silent. The rest of the restaurant also came to a hush, embarrassment coursing through your veins. What’s even worse is you knew he was right. He always was right.

_“Huh? Why would I ever love you? Are you delusional?”_

His words from the rejection two years ago rang in the back of your mind, reminding you of his harshness. It tugged at your heart, and all you wanted to do was break and shatter right there in place. Keeping this facade up was so hard, so painful.

“Wait, y/n, you confessed to Tsukishima?” Tanaka blurted out, causing Kiyoko to unfold a leg that was under her and kick his shin under the table with a silent huff.

“Yeah she did. After the graduation ceremony. Then I rejected her.” The blond answered for you, giving a shrug to his explanation. Just a rejection. That’s putting it quite lightly. He did much more than that.

“What did you do?” Sugawara’s voice grew dark and annoyed. He knew deep down it was no ordinary rejection. Knowing Tsukishima, he had to have done something more to make you become so quiet and reclusive from everyone. You used to be so boisterous around everyone, now you look so hollow. Just a pretty shell who quietly carries themselves each day through sheer will.

You didn’t want this conversation to go on any longer, standing up and dusting your dress off to flatten it against your body. “I’m sorry, but I’ll be taking my leave. Please, enjoy yourselves.” Your bottom lip trembled a bit, grabbing your purse and was off in a hurry. You felt a large warm hand envelop your wrist, making you halt in place. You turned to see the one person who you didn’t want touching you, touching you.

“You’re running away again. It’s okay though, I’ll see you in Sendai.” Tsukishima egged you on, flashing you a not so innocent grin as you tore your arm from his grasp, hurrying out the restaurant. What the hell did he mean by that? All that hard work to try to build yourself up was now crumbling away, and you couldn’t do anything to stop it. Coming to this reunion was a bad idea after all. You shouldn’t have come. You weren’t ready. You doubt you’ll ever be ready.

Reaching the home you grew up in, you were greeted by your mother and father, your younger siblings elsewhere not caring about your presence. Behind the closed door of your untouched room, you wept, the two year suppression of emotion now a migraine you can no longer bear. Hopefully after a rest, you can convince yourself this was all just a dream, and go back to how life was. How you made it.


	2. Heart Shaped Sticky Notes

Soft orange sunlight filtered through white fluttering sheer curtains, the window cracked open just a bit to let in the cool morning breeze. The soft chirps of passing birds stirred you out of your slumber, a subtle groan leaving your lips as you slowly rose from your warm bed. You picked up your phone, the time saying it’s half past eight. Your first lecture started at eleven, so you had time to kill beforehand.

It’s been a little over a month since the reunion, and since then you managed to apologize to everyone who attended, exempting Tsukishima, for your early departure. Many understood and didn’t press for answers, but a couple — Tanaka and Nishinoya — were dying for an explanation. Thankfully Kiyoko took care of their stubbornness, and they stopped pestering you. But one thing in common from all the boys is they did want to know one day, but at your own pace. No pressure, which you were extremely grateful for.

Ever since then you decided to spend a little more time at home before gathering the rest of your belongings. You needed to situate your dorm space before classes started, knowing you’d never get to it if you procrastinate. You were lucky enough to get your own dorm room, as most of the girls had to share with one or two others. It was a tad smaller than a normal sized room since it was only made for one student to reside in it, but you had a nice twin sized bed against the wall with a table facing the window. You were also lucky enough to have the room closest to the community bathrooms, meaning if you woke up early enough no one would be there to bother you. To your dismay, that wasn’t the case today. Women were running to and from, crowding the showers and mirrors as they tried to doll themselves up for their first day.

Waiting until at least half the bathroom to empty, you allowed yourself to freshen up. Lathering the soap on a poof, the scent of strawberries and vanilla filled your senses. The warm water was soothing your aching shoulders, them being tense from hauling all your heavy boxes into your dorm and unloading. Chattering of other women could be heard from your shower stall, shuffling of bodies and snaps of cosmetic compresses clattering all about. You didn’t know how you’ll fair here in Sendai, knowing no one and starting anew. You miss the people you’ve come to know in Waseda, but for the sake of your resume and education, you had to transfer. Exhaling and turning the knob to the shower, the water slowly slowed in pressure and finally turned into a slow dribble. You let the water drip off your body before grabbing your towel on the hanger outside the curtain, dabbing access water off before stepping outside.

More people have dispersed, only a small handful of ten or so women, including you, now resided in the community bathroom. You spent the rest of your time moisturizing and applying minimal makeup, knowing the humidity will only make you sweat it off later. Hurrying through the halls in only a towel and toiletries in hand, you made it back to your room to change. Your fingers danced through the hangers of clothing, pulling out a lace trimmed white cami dress, decorated with small and dainty blue flowers and stems. It was a tasteful minimalistic design, but it suited your taste. It hugged your body, reaching only mid thigh with thin straps resting upon your shoulders. You grabbed a pair of slingback sandals, the heel small and chunky, pulling them up past your back heel with ease. Gold decorated your neck, a couple fingers, and ears, needing some sort of extra accessory to stand out from your simple outfit. Pulling a ribbon around the thickness of your hair, you tied it up into a high ponytail, letting it cascade down your back yet giving your neck enough relief from the heat.

You double checked your tote bag for all your needed necessities for the lecture: textbooks, notebooks, pens, highlighters, laptop, and headphones. Checking the time on your phone, it shows it's thirty til eleven, and you mutter a small thanks to the heavens for letting your lecture be located in the closest building to the women’s dorms.

***

Your lecture was anything but fun, but college classes aren’t meant for your enjoyment. It’s meant to force blurb all information out to you, and it’s your responsibility to absorb. Even though this was the very class you transferred out of Waseda U for, you wanted to pull your hair out from all the technicalities. The writer and newly appointed professor’s explanations were amazing and so were his teaching methods, but to put out over 48 slides of notes the first day? Your fingers felt as if they were ready to fall off, and it’s only been over an hour and a half. Students were eagerly taking their leave from the dreaded classroom, leaving you and a couple more students alone to pack. The rest who were there were more focused on the notes they took, seemingly editing whatever they had typed down on their laptop by the sounds of their fast paced typing. Gently resting your laptop back into your tote, you pulled it over your shoulder and made it down the ramp of the lecture room’s seats, eager to make it to the library and study and whatever you had managed to type out.

A bright pink paper taped to the chalkboard stole your attention, backing away from the exit of the room as you read the dark black lettering:

**“Teaching assistant needed. Go to lecture hall 7 in Building C.”**

The date on the paper was for today, and the time provided was creeping close. Usually teaching assistant jobs were open for juniors and seniors and even graduates, but as a transfer it’ll be almost impossible to get it. Though you couldn’t give up. Your grades were superb, you had recommendations from the best professors at Waseda, and with a little bit of convincing, you hoped you could snatch that job up for yourself. Lord knows you needed the extra money, especially since a couple scholarships you had been accepted for were strictly for Waseda U, and couldn’t follow you to Sendai.

Your heels clicked against the concrete as you managed to jog your way to the building, your ponytail slowly slipping from the ribbon’s loose grasp with every step you took. You looked at the hanging plastic panels on the ceilings that indicates which lecture hall is where, finding the number seven on one. You let yourself take a deep breath, a little winded from your jog as you pushed the door in and walked inside. A few students were already there, sitting and occupying themselves with whatever class work was already given, or rewriting notes to make the information stick. You took a seat in the very front where no one was, leaning against the cool wooden backing before releasing a silent sigh of relief. Thank god you made it there early, at least you looked like a responsible student.

Finally a couple professors made their way in, greeting everyone and introducing themselves. It was made to be a short meeting, all they wanted was for you to leave your name and student number so they can contact you in the near future for interviews.

You busied yourself with writing your name and student number down on a sticky note shaped as a heart, the light pink at least a little eye catching. The pen you used was anything but professional, the ink a dark magenta with glitter. And it smelled like strawberry. Well, hopefully that somehow boosts morale. Most of the professors left, needing to finish some paperwork themselves as they directed everyone to leave the information on the desk of whichever professor’s room this was. A random sense of pressure placed itself beside you, your eyes not snapping off your sticky note.

“Mind letting me borrow a sticky note?”

The deep voice made your stomach churn, a grimace forming on your face almost instantaneously. Your head snapped to see a handsome face staring right back, a cocky grin on his face.

“Tsukishima? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Well, I wasn’t all that interested in being a TA, I have enough money saved. But, if it means I get to bother you more, I might just leave my information on the desk for them.” His words were aloof, but his scornful smile never left his lips.

“No, I mean what the hell are you doing in Sendai?” You rose a brow at his sudden chuckle, his head shaking before letting out a sigh, staring at you with a condescending expression of pity from behind his black-rimmed glasses.

“Didn’t you know? I attend Sendai University. That’s embarrassing, you didn’t realize your own high school crush was going here? How shameful, some crush I was then.”

His venom filled words stung, but to be fair, you never got the opportunity to know. Tsukishima left you high and dry before any knowledge about his future came to light. You rose from your seat, hurryingly grabbing your tote and tossing it over your shoulder. Your hand slapped the sticky note on the professor’s desk, a huff leaving your lips before quickly walking yourself to the exit.

“I didn’t even get to leave my information yet. What about my sticky note, y/n?”

“Go fuck yourself, Tsukishima!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last line was super self-indulgent.
> 
> I apologize if there are any grammatical errors, I haven't been getting much sleep lately.

**Author's Note:**

> For those who are curious to what Tsukishima did to us to make us so hurt, you'll see in future chapters. It isn't gonna be pretty.
> 
> *Also, I apologize to all my non-binary folk and men who read this work, this story will have a woman mc. I'm still working on writing gender neutral and male characters correctly without making my work feel out of character since I am not non-binary or a male myself, but I promise future works will be focused all all genders! :) Inclusivity is a huge deal when writing, so I want to be rounded more in the future. I hope you can understand that. But for now, please enjoy! <3


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